okay. Im gonna be naughty and type up some stuff instead of my homework......why? 'Cuz I can.....and personally I think my sanity is more important than school right now......Im just so upset I cant concentrate....and part of the problem is I can't bring myself to tell anyone directly....so....Im gonna ramble about myself here. Cuz I can. You dont have to listen, I think of myself as a rather boring person(which I know is my fault....) and that this should be pretty dull too,but if you would care to listen.....you might find Im not really like I night seem to be....

Okay, regarding my quietness....I HATE IT. I hate being scared of everyone and fearing that people will judge me for what I say or do....i guess Im afraid  that they'll make fun of me, or wont accept me.....although that's never even happened to me before. People tend to ignore me it seems....probably cuz I leave them alone and just mind my own buisness. That's how I've always lived. But now I must say....it's getting kinda boring. I have once or twice struck up a conversation with a student I didn't know, but they were rather short and drab....I'm really no good at one-on-one talking, even with my friends sometimes. I usually rely on two other people to start a conversation, and then I pipe in every once in a while, which sometimes doesn't work either cuz Im so quiet and Im not heard.....then I just get embarassed and shut up most of the time. it's this THING I mentioned in the last entry.....the thing that makes me mistrust others and unintentionally shun them by not speaking to them....It's just this, (almost) irresistable fear that people won't accept me for who I am, or get mad at me for voicing my opinions.Bleh, I don't know how to explain it better than that. Basically, I'm afraid of people because I know what they can do, I know they can hurt me. But will they? I don't know, Im too scared to find out, so I stay cooped up in my little box, hurting all the while anyways cuz I know what I'm missing in sociality-land.......I guess its ok at school, cuz theres rules enforced and its not like I can ditch class with my friends and just hang out (well, I guess I could, but I wouldn't). But on the weekends.......Im just too scared to organize anything myself. Im afraid people will judge me by my idea.....say its 'stupid' or something....I know that paranoia is stupid in itself, but I just can't seem to make it go away....Im guessing its from my rather strenuous childhood.....I dont think anyone but me remembers it. I was always kinda shy around strangers, but when I left preschool and went to ESS before kindergarten started, it was really bad. I didnt know anyone, I didnt know the rules or curriculum, and there were a lot of  intimidating older kids (and I was pretty small too). I didnt talk to anyone on my own, and I was pretty depressing. I got unreasonably upset about all kinds of things....like someone told me I was doing my art project wrong and I just went to a dark little corner to cry and never finished it, or when someone else told me that I couldnt drink juice for my snack I broke down and never finished that either.....or when I accidently knocked someones puzzle and they yelled "hey, don't touch that" and broke out in tears, or when I asked my teacher if the part where my lunchbox touched the ground was 'germy' and she said "you decide yourself" and I got really upset cuz I didnt know how to decide for myself....and I ended up pacing back and forth between two trees and sobbing until the class went back in......and I had to be led back to the classroom by soem sniveling older (2nd or 3rd grade maybe) girls who only laughed at me.....I guess when I was without any friends I was so determined to get someone to accept me that I didnt want to do anything wrong and got really upset when I did do anything 'wrong'.....a part of that still remains, if you recall in 6th grade when I started crying when Mrs. Ondler made us run ramps for 'talking too much during basketball'....I've hardened a bit since that though, particularly because Im not so academically ahead of anyone anymore and my grades kinda went *poot*......yeah it gets kinda old getting depressed over B's.........   

Reflecting back on my childhood now, I realize I wasnt so paranoid about what people thought of me back then. I was more just scared that they would hurt me....whether physically or emotionally....and I got hurt pretty easily. Now with my greater knowledge and different people around (teenagers can be a lot more hurtful.....I think) I guess the paranoia just grew on.........

Bleh. Maybe Im just being selfish.....I know theres a lot of poeple out there who dont have any friends at all....or a loving family. But most of 'em cant do anything about it......or it isnt their fault. But I know I can do something about it.......I guess I just have to come out of my box and acctually TALK to someone....rather that just blabbing into this thing.....I.must.be.SOCIAL.   

.....That was pretty random O____o.....I probably made a lot of mistaked to.....Whatever, Im tired. -__- At least I feel a little better now. Hope I can say hi to whoever the heck actually read this soon! :D